I had just laughed merrily — OH HO HO HO HO HO, thusly — at A Little Pregnant’s post about Crocsâ„¢. In general, Crocs™ are an easy punchline. Any hacky would-be jokester with a modicum of fashion sense can do a little spew about Crocs™ and we will all nod sagely. They are hideous. They are a symbol of having given up; they are adult infantilism in action. WE KNOW. But A Little Pregnant made me feel unfamiliar new laughy feelings about Crocsâ„¢, and this is an achievement in our jaded age.

(A quick note to those of you [my 11 readers] who wear Crocsâ„¢: I don’t mean to insult you. I’m insulting all the OTHER Crocs™ wearers.)

Maxie has hand-me-down Crocsâ„¢, and I let her wear them. Because she loves them. And hey, free shoes. But I always refused to buy my children new Crocsâ„¢. Even when they begged, mewling piteously. Because my children are a reflection of my klassiness — accessories, much like handbags — and their tackiness shames me; the membrane between self and spawn is so sheer as to be invisible. Is my tongue implanted in my cheek like a Jibbitzâ„¢ in a Croc™ hole? Not as much as I might wish.

I have always felt that it’s a short hop from Crocs™ to eating your own poop. I wouldn’t go so far as to quote Project Runway’s Laura Bennett, who doesn’t EVER wear jeans (“When you’re 42 years old and have five children, it’s just a short slide into sweatpants and a minivan, so I just don’t go there”) but our choices make us human. I understand wanting to be comfortable. I understand wanting our children to feel Empowered and Have a Vote on their Fashion Choices (though as a parent, you have to beat that out of them). And I appreciate that we all have different taste, and I believe in letting a thousand flowers bloom, unless they are flowers made of fully molded Croslite™ material. There are cute ballet flats, sneakers, clogs, sandals. WE MUST CLING TO OUR HUMANITY.

And then my foundations were shaken to their core. I got a back-t0-school press release from the Crocs™ people…and this little-girl shoe is cute.

sign of the apocalypse?

Right? RIGHT?

Now what? I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know what’s real. Does this mean J.Lo is an awesome singer, Stephenie Meyer is a good writer, and BP is a responsible company?