Apropos of nothing, now I will gush over three things I paid money for that are the greatest things among things.

1. Quimica Alemana Nail Hardener (Esmalte Endurecedor para Unas). Can I say its name? I cannot. I just know this product has GIVEN ME NAIL ESTEEM for the first time in my existence. I have “bad nails,” as a certain relation of mine with perfect digits has been known to say repeatedly. My nails are tiny and short and squat, like little garden gnomes. They break when you look at them funny or mention Todd Akin. They aren’t the kind that look pretty when short. Every few years I try a different nail strengthener, hardener, nutrient, blah blah. None of them ever work, and I return to my self-concept as a bad-nailed person. But recently our neighbor Sarah, who has KILLER nails, recommended this unpronounceable product, which you can get in beauty supply stores or online. Sarah has lovely ironic talons — here is what she did after seeing a Roy Lichtenstein show:

And here are her Fourth of July nails…

And here are her triumphant Ten Plagues nails from when she came to our seder.

(Sarah’s nails look good short, unlike mine.) So when she said to try this Quimica product, I figured, what the hey. And THE HEY! I have ten reasonably grown-out, pretty nails for the first time in my life! They’re not SARAH nails, but they’re not at all ugly now. Yes, some of the Amazon reviews of this product mention it causing agonizing pain and tingling, but I did not have this experience, and anyway, you should expect to suffer for beauty, or you betray feminism and make Elizabeth Wurtzel cry.

2. Jonathan came home from the discount pet store near Costco in Brooklyn with a bag of Feline Fresh Pine Formula Cat Litter. I was OK with the Yesterday’s News litter we’d been using, but this is WAY better. We have two cats, one of whom poops like Vince Vaughn (I’m guessing), but this stuff does the job — it is a way better odor fighter than Yesterday’s News, and I can get a day or two more out of it without the cats protesting by shitting on the floor. It has a pleasant, entirely natural pine-y smell. It is theoretically a clumping litter, but I do not find that it clumps — it just gets more sandy-textured over the course of a week. My new favorite kitty product.

3. Maxie, as I have written before, has some sensory issues,and she also has super-thick, snarl-prone hair, and this is a recipe for screaming. (Hers. Mostly.) I forget where I heard about this Tangle Teezer comb — it’s apparently a British thing. It comes in cute bright colors (we have orange and purple) and has a friendly cartoon insectoid look, and it comes through wet and dry hair without breaking it and with far less pulling and snagging than any other comb we’ve tried. If your kid’s hair (or yours) were not insanely thick, you would sing hymns of praise to it. It does require repeat passes and some pressing to get through Maxine’s tresses, but it absolutely does work, and with less hurling-self-on-floor drama than I would have imagined possible. Yay.

And now I will get back to my usual snark and complaining.