The New York State Third Grade ELA Test Sucks Weasels, Part 2.
You Take The Test!
PART ONE: READ A LETTER.
Here is a letter written by Gordon. [Ed. note: Nice passive voice, dudes.] Read the letter. Then do Numbers 1 through 6.
Dear Uncle Nate,
I wanted to thank you for coming to my school play, Life on the Farm. You may not know this, but this was the first time I’ve ever performed in a play. Boy, was I nervous. When the play started, I could feel my hands sweating and my heart racing.
I don’t know if you noticed, but I forgot my lines several times. I don’t think anyone heard my teachers whispering them to me across the stage. Did you like the way I tried to act natural when I tripped over the cow? I think everyone thought I was supposed to do that.
The best part was at the end of the play when we took a bow and everyone clapped.
Thank you for coming to my play. I’ll let you know when I’m in another one.
Finding Main Idea
1. The main idea of the first paragraph is found
A. in the first sentence.
B. in the last sentence.
C. in the middle of the paragraph.
D. by thinking about the most important idea in the paragraph.
[Uh, is the main idea “thank you” or the is the main idea “I was nervous”? I DON’T KNOW! AND I AM 43! AND A PROFESHUNUL RITER!]
Recalling Facts and Details
3. Which detail tells us that Gordon was nervous?
A. I could feel my hands sweating.
B. I tripped over the cows.
C. This was the first time I’ve ever performed in a play.
D. Thank you for coming to my play.
[Come on! You don’t think A and B could both be a reasonable sign of nerves?? How about terrified kids puking during tests so that teachers have to wipe off the vomit and seal the test sheets in plastic baggies to send to the scorers? Would that be a reasonable sign of nerves? Joey, have you ever been in a Turkish prison?]
6. You can tell the order of events described in the letter by
A. thinking about the beginning, the middle and the ending.
B. looking for clue words.
C. thinking about the main idea.
D. finding the facts and details.
[Reading this question causes me to lose my will to live. How does it make you feel? Could it possibly make reading seem any LESS fun? Could it possibly make you MORE narcoleptic and sad? Maybe if it could somehow reach out from your monitor and hit you with a mallet.]