Unearthly-vibrato-bearing Opera Singer (Nessun dorma)
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Family: Artsy
Plumage: Scarf, protecting the million-dollar throat. (Silk in summer, cashmere--from the rarest of endangered Kashmiri moutain sheep--in winter.) Beautifully cut black formal coat, artfully designed to minimize his vast gut as much as possible. Expensive Italian calfskin loafers on his tiny, tiny feet.
Habitat: Scoping out the Metropolitan Opera House or La Scala, dreaming big ambitious dreams. High-end Italian retaurants. Mother's grave (Mama's boy; likes melodrama; fuels his art). Mother's house for dinner (if mother is not dead). At massage therapist, facialist, manicurist, pedicurist. Spa, for relaxation and weight loss. Designer cookware store or gourmet grocery store in exclusive neighborhood (loves to cook, pretentious).
Feeding Habits: Tomato sauce--acidic, "awakens" the throat. NO MILK--coats the throat. Freshly squeezed blood-orange juice--"energizes" the throat. NO CHOCOLATE--"lacquers" the throat. Lemon soufflé--"aerates" the throat. NO SORBET--"freezes" the throat. Also enjoys veal scallopini--milk-fed calves have suffered to become sublime and tender. He sees this as a metaphor for his life.
Sexual Display: As with all subspecies of Artsy Performers, makes eye contact with attractive female from stage, then has peon invite her backstage. Gestures with white silk hankerchief, as did noblemen of yore. When on the prowl for female companionship, takes showers, even though bathing (moisture) increases his chance of sustaining a chill and damaging his instrument.
Agonistic Display: Shatters rival's windshield with a high C.
Courtship Behavior: Sings "M'appari" from Marta to her (sotto voce, so as not to bruise the vocal cords). Invites her to swim in his heated-to-a-constant-102-degree-pool, where he floats like a serene beachball. Allows her to watch him rehearse. Takes her to his home, where he allows her to cook for him (see Feeding Habits). Allows her to rub his feet (it's hard to stand on them for three hours when you weigh 300 pounds).
Mating Ritual: Many rituals. His voice is a miracle, and there is no telling what will cause it to fade and crack. Whether he sleeps alone or with another person, he must brush teeth with a soft-bristled brush exactly 100 strokes on each side. Must wear sleeping cap to bed. Must enter bed from left side. Must sleep under 100% fine-wale cotton densely 280-count Pratesi sheet and breathable 100% cotton blanket handcrafted by Italian nuns. No cunnilingus, ever. Strenuous lapping movement may cause repetitive stress injury to the silver tongue.
Mating Call: "Che gelida manina..." (How cold your little hand is....)
Field Notes: Note: The description herein is primarily applicable to Tenors, who are more neurotic than Basses. Basses, since they get all the juicy villainous roles and almost never get to play the hero, do not take themselves quite so seriously. Basses get praised for rich, lived-in, character voices, so they need not treat their vocal cords like petulant, fragile racehorses. Tenors get compared to Pavarotti, Caruso and Domingo and dread the day they will no longer hit the high notes in La Fille du Regiment, which makes them even nuttier about their career and mortality than they already are. Tenors' heads are frequently empty so that the high notes can resonate inside.
Moral: WHEN YOU HAVE THE OPTION, DATE THE BASS.